Dizzy

I keep waiting to write about this till I am feeling less hopeless and grouchy on the subject. But it has been over a month and I am still struggling. 

The day I got off of the cruise my family took last month, I felt dizzy. When I sat down I felt like the boat was still rocking. Sometimes when I walked I felt like I was drunk. My balance was completely off. Every day that has passed I think to myself that this is going to go away on its own. But it hasn't. The only way I have been able to manage every day is to ignore it as much as possible. But by the evening I usually feel worse and all cross-eyed. 

I received a priesthood blessing from Joel and my dad about a week and a half into this. In the blessing my dad said that this was temporary which was a comfort at first. Since the blessing I have thought about that word a lot. "Temporary" is a very frustrating word. It could mean any amount of time, really. Bleh. 

Before going to the doctor, Joel and I discovered a possible diagnosis for me. We were watching TV and the program began describing something called "Disembarkment Syndrome". It was described as people who get off of cruise ships and they experience feeling like they are still on the boat rocking. These people's brain adjusted to the rocking of the boat, but then can't re-adjust to the solid ground. Driving and movement like it are comfortable for these people because they are in motion. I turned to Joel during this show and said, "this is what I have." After reading more online I was angry. This happens to very few people and is very rare. Not a lot is known about it, therefore there is no treatment. It can last for weeks, months or YEARS!!

This motivated me to go in and talk to my doctor. Since then I have done a lot of testing and been in to a Hearing and Balance Center, an ENT and I have begun physical therapy. Two different professionals have diagnosed me with this ridiculous syndrome which feels like a life sentence of dizziness. I rarely ask myself this question, but. . . Why me?! 

I am really struggling. My hope is so small at this point. I just feel like i have had my share of difficulty and trials and I have tried to carry those with faith and love for God. But sometimes I feel like I have enough on my plate!! How can something like this be added? I feel guilty for even saying it. 

For now I am going to go to physical therapy and will try to not over schedule myself. My family needs all the energy I can give them.

One positive: in the blessing my dad gave me, he (out of the blue) mentioned that Joel and I would serve as missionary companions in spreading the gospel. This was a great comfort to me. I have struggled with the idea of being able to ever do this, knowing that Lily could still require our care as she gets older.